This blog is a story of how Hope and Mallows came to be. I was in an unhealthy marriage from which I felt there was no way out, be it practically, emotionally and financially. This is a blog to help others who feel like they are in a difficult relationship but feel trapped, what to expect living in refuge, and how there is always hope, always people to help... .and will help, and make you safe, just like they made me.
Our house on the street is the most beautiful one, with a red rose climbing over the front door. We have chickens and the whole street regards us as a zoo, stopping by to feed them cornflakes (chickens love cornflakes). We are seen as the friendly house, and people in the village stop and chat while their dogs look at the mirage of chickens through the low hedge.
The back garden is even more beautiful with a rose arch at the start of the long green view and at the bottom a pergola with soft pink blooms scrambling all over it.
It’s been this way for 6 years and every year the stakes seem to get higher about what needs to happen to keep him appeased. If I could see myself at this point compared to when we first met I would have been bewildered. The contrast is huge. We were so deeply in love, such promise about the life we were going to have.
I know I can’t go on like this. I have reached levels of such exhaustion I have this brain fog that is permanently with me. I can’t seem to focus and find myself standing in a supermarket fixed and unable to make a decision over what to make for dinner.
He tells me I am slow and can’t react to things. He jokingly describes a scenario where we have to defuse a bomb together with the clock ticking down, and says “imagine, (through laughter), if I got you. Booom!”
This is a fog though that is now truly with me. It’s like I am burning out completely and disappearing. He clicks his fingers frequently, frowns and says ‘ It’s like you're in another world,’ Oh I am, I think, and it's so much nicer than the one I have found myself in.
There is a little spark inside me that is growing, it knows my marriage is worrying. Sometimes in moments of clarity I know I can’t live like this. I don’t know who to turn to and yearn to find a random woman at a bus stop that I can confide in.
The trouble is, once you reveal just how bad things have become you can’t take those words back and the anxiety that he may find out how disloyal I have been is too much to endure. I know there are charities but that seems so dramatic and I feel too nervous about calling. He checks my phone; he is so astute and I feel so very dim I don’t know if I could delete any calls which he would trace. The whole thing feels too risky. As the confidence has been chipped away even simple decisions have become overwhelming.
The fear is, I’m not ready for what I may hear if I confide in someone. I have no idea what to do with the truth.
If you have found the blog useful/interesting etc and you would like to buy me a coffee, that's much appreciated. Starting over is challenging.
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeandmalr