staying for the 'sake of the children'

Someone I knew once confided in me about their partner. All was not well, all was not merry and bright. She was waiting till her oldest child took their GCSE’s and then she would leave. She didn’t want the disruption. Besides, he never hit her when were there. It was a strong argument for her, the exams were important.

That orchestrated loving home. She was doing an excellent job giving the children a 'stable home’. She masked the bruises, she quickly put her face straight and tried to make her smile reach her eyes.

The Dad was not abusive when the children was there. It was all a superb drama and when I asked, ‘it’s fine, they don’t know’. The children had not seen anything loud and clear that could lodge in her their young minds that her Dad was abusive.

There was no shouting, no swearing at her. The pretence was excellent. The Mum felt she was providing enough pretence to keep her children happy, safe in the knowledge it was a ‘loving family home’. At times of course, there were little snippets of joy when the Dad was nice to the Mum. Any shadows of doubt could cast away. There of course needs to be some times when an abuser is nice. Otherwise why would people stay.

‘For the sake of the children’ is something I hear quite often. I feel so passionate that it is so deeply lovingly misguided. I can see when I was married I was very prone to crying. I had very bad stomach pains. I was so anxious going into work, and began to take quite a high dose of anti anxiety medication. I was also so tired. All these symptoms are a result of trying so hard to manage the whole situation. It’s a series of lies to protect everyone including the abuser. Being diplomatic to explain why the crying. Having to do quick emergency repair jobs when you confided in someone, then regretted it the next day when you were so eaten up with paranoia that they would tell someone. Being worried about my weight because of my husbands preference. Using alcohol as a coping crutch.

All the above does not make a parent who is as happy as they deserve to be. This is the paragraph that will make me unpopular and controversial. With all the stress they are enduring, how good a parent can you be? For all the will in in the world I wasn’t. How could I be when I was on eggshells. My energy was getting so depleted. Energy that I didn’t have to read them bedtime story, to remember a PE kit. I was drinking in the later stages every night at 5pm to get some courage for him coming home.

On reflexion, now I have left, I am now a parent who is so much more present for their children. Please don’t mistake this for an awful sanctimonious declaration. I am adjusting to being a parent after not being allowed to parent as I would choose and at times things are very wooly. What I am now, that I wasn’t before, is free from being tense. My head space is clearer. I laugh so much much more. I will eat Lindt chocolate and can be greedy with it because I deserve it. I very rarely drink as I am happy with or without it. I don’t feel paranoid my thighs are too fat, because I like myself more now, myself worth is where it should be - I don’t have him telling me to go easy with the chocolate. It’s all subtle things my children now absorb.

For those who stay. .It’s also what the children don’t see that’s as telling, if not more so. They don’t see the consistent nurture, the warm smiles from him, his face lightening up when he see’s you, not the grand gestures that give the abuser a sense of grandiose like a huge bunch of flowers - but the small ones that are so much more appreciated like being brought a cup of tea. Running you a bath, doing the washing up and remembering to bring you a treat back from the shops. Remembering even exactly what treat you like.

So for me, the argument of ‘for the sake of the children’ why are we even staying again?

National Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeandmalr If you enjoy reading the blog and would like to contribute to a new pair of school shoes for my eldest, the link is there.

#refuge #coercivecontrol #domesticabuse #buddybagfoundation #womensrefuge #startingover #forthesakeofthechildren #flyanywayfoundation